Monthly Archives: May 2011

My Brush with Eternity…

You know I like to keep my peeps up to date on the occasions when “I See God…”

Get off my back, I know it’s been a while since I posted. Do you want to hear this or not?

Okay. So yesterday I really saw God up close and personal. Practically face to face – when a good friend (hereafter to be referred to as The Assassin – I never noticed how funny that word looks when it’s spelled out – *snicker*) of mine tried to kill me. With friends like that…  Right?

There was the long tunnel, the white light and everything. When I arrived, God said, “Get back down there. This is way too amusing!” You see, I was smack dab in the middle of the toughest 5-hour workout I’ve ever experienced! So it was only 25 minutes. Who’s counting? The fact that my last workout was sometime in the early eighties with Richard Simmons had absolutely nothing to do with anything!

By some great miracle of the God who parted the Red Sea and created the universe – ‘cause He’s the only One with the power to accomplish something of this magnitude – I completed everything that was demanded of me, lived to tell about it, and managed to keep my lunch from making a surprise appearance on my shoes.

When I walked in the door at home, I promptly informed my husband that I would never cook or eat again – it’s just not worth it! Besides how can a person prepare a meal when their arms are about as useful as limp spaghetti noodles and their feet feel like they are wearing shoes made of lead?

Instead I decided to take my “friend”, The Assassin’s, advice and soak in a hot bath. It was heaven. I should have known there was a catch. It was heaven until it was time to get out of the tub! Chalk up an extra 20-minute workout for that! God must have really enjoyed the encore performance…

Then suddenly I remembered I’m now supposed to be keeping an Eating Journal. Oh the joys. It just keeps getting better and better!  I loved how The Assassin smiled (which prior to today was a very pleasant smile, now I know it’s just an evil contortion of her face) when she said, “And you, being a God-fearing woman will certainly be honest about your food intake, right?” Don’t bet on it, sister!

But she must have a heart in there somewhere. She gave me the day off tomorrow – except I’m supposed to walk for 20 minutes. Wonder who’s going to tell my legs. Not me! I’m not even sure I’ll be able to talk them into going to work with me in the morning. I might have to leave them at home to cry all alone. Such a pity, since I think I shall certainly need them to be productive throughout the day. This could get interesting.

All kidding aside, it really wasn’t that bad. The Assassin is a wonderful person, if you like the type…

If you need your backside kicked, I’ve got the person to do it. I can HOOK. YOU. UP. And in case she stumbles upon this blog post – I love you, LB! And I appreciate you and your concern for my health. You’re the GREATEST! But I’d watch my back, if I were you. Just sayin’…